Corrupt-A-Wish

Granted, but there's a measles + super-flu outbreak instead.
I wish for a pet.

 

Granted, but it’s a pet slug.
I wish to develop the power of teleportation.

 

Wish granted, but whenever you teleport its only in a 100m radius of where you want to be and theres a 24 hour cooldown.

I wish for pc upgrades.

 

Granted, but you find out they’re fake crap made in China.
I wish for a life.

 

Granted, but you now have a life, but you're homeless.
I wish for a ratings unban.

 

Granted, but you can only rate with like, agree, friendly, winner and amazing.
I wish for bananas.

 

Granted but you're not allowed to eat them without the peel on.
I wish to win the lottery.

 

Granted, but you only win enough to buy a notebook to list all the bananas you eat.
I wish to be rich with top-of-the-line bomb and theft prevention systems.

 

Granted, but your wealth becomes the talk of the world. You have billions of dollars in jewelry alone (you're that rich) and your theft prevention systems are bleeding edge. Dozens, if not HUNDREDS, of master thieves attempt to break in and steal your jewels. None of them do, until one does. Your hundreds of billions of dollars of net worth vanishes in seconds as they sell your stocks and steal your identity. Your jewels and collectibles are gone, and you have no course of action, as the only trace they left was a monopoly dog. You regret wishing in the first place. The thought of being rich again haunts you, and you try everything. Nothing works. You die only a few years later from a drug overdose, millions in debt.

I wish for a time machine

 

You get sucked into a time wormhole and meet a dolphin who looks over the universe from a triangle in space and you mind space while the go to the bathroom but Jupiter and Saturn collide even even though Jupiter can't the universe explodes and they have to load a 300 year load backup. So you don't exist for another 300 years.
I wish for it to be an hour later than it is.

 

Granted.
The genie goes back in time and causes the big bang one hour earlier than normal.
You are not affected.

 

Not granted, this effects the thread from this point fourth.
I wish for thread order.

 

thread order?
Granted. The threads in your pet spider's web are ordered neatly from biggest to smallest. Your pet spider dies.
I wish to be immortal

 

Granted. You achieve immortality by having your brain removed and placed in a vat of oxygenated artificial cerebral-spinal fluid. The concept of "You" is still alive and therefore fulfills your wish, as you retain your consciousness, ego and self identity. However, you lack a body and do not receive sensory input due to your lack of a nose, ears, eyes, skin and other sensory neurons. The brain by itself also has too few sensory neurons for you to feel or pick up anything.

Therefore, you will soak for eternity in a black void. You are unable to move or perceive the world around you, and are trapped alone with your thoughts. Quickly, you will go insane from your permanent disorientation and the echo chamber of your own thoughts. But you are technically alive, and will remain alive for as long as your brain tissue can maintain cell functions. This can be done with modern science without the use of sci-fi technology.

I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
And a six four Impala

 

Granted, but your tallness comes from you having 2 heads stacked on top of one another. The baller happens to mean eternal crying(balling your eyes out?). The Girl who looks good who'd you call, you'd call her ugly. And the rabbit in a hat with a bat comes out of your swimming hat, knocks you unconscious and you drown.
I wish to never have a limb/body part explode.

 

This is an oddly specific wish.

Granted. Explosions and combustion mostly come from molecular interactions between different substances. To grant your wish, the composition of your limbs and body parts have been converted from flesh and blood into the inert "noble" gas Neon. In order to keep your now amorphous body from floating away into all corners of the Earth, you are permanently confined to a cylindrical pressurized gas canister with only your head sticking out of the top. College kids will do keg stands on you, and dogs and drunks will urinate on you.

I wish I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart

 

Granted, but your heart becomes a red dragon that flying along with you and there's a huge hole in the middle of the land(s).

I wish to be eternally safe from this evil thread.

 

Granted, except you still get emails

I wish to have more grass on /skyblock

 

Granted but you get banned for duping

I wish to have a name (as in famous)

 

Granted, but your famous for brutally murdering several hundred people.

I wish for people to help me on my Skyblock island.